Message From My Heart part 2

It’s 3:00am and I can’t fall asleep.  So the first thought was perhaps I need to post a blog.  XD  My internet isn’t working either, so I’m typing this all in a word document until I get the chance to post it later.  (images taken from the wonderful world of lelove)

For those of you who have been reading here and have asked about it, I finally do not have to call myself a hypocrite.  I was finally able to convey my feelings after much anguish and slight pushing from some of my closest friends.  When I went back home, I talked about this never-ending battle with myself to let everything out.  And it only took me 6 hours one night.  The day of, they kept pushing me saying I can’t back out.  They kept telling me that I should stop running away and slowly hurting myself over stress and worry.  In short, after taking preventive measures from me avoiding the topic that night (I called a few friends that I knew would call me out on bitching out), I nervously admitted my feelings.  And let me tell you, people don’t lie when they tell you it makes you feel so much better.  Unfortunately for people who are hoping for a happy ending, it is much more bittersweet.  I got the answer I was expecting, but that was enough for me.  Timing is everything in a relationship, and sometimes just getting that timing is the hardest battle.  It felt great to hear that I was considered best friend material, and for me that was enough.  Sure a lot of people say that the phrase is the “nail in the coffin,” but I try to look at it that it’s a starting point.  If things can be that easy doesn’t that mean something?  I explained that for me just knowing that someone cares is enough.  If I can’t have an “official” boyfriend it would be okay.  Life is crazy at this point in time.  Thinking about such things isn’t always the best idea when you’re trying to figure out your own life and your own happiness.  I’m not saying that I am going to use him as an excuse not to try and find happiness, but at this point in my life, down here in Santa Barbara, another photography student is not something I’m looking for.  Especially with such a small school because in my past observations, it’s just asking for trouble.  (not saying that you can’t have a great experience!  Because I know at least 2 extremely happy couples here at Brooks.  :D)

After all those years, I realize that my timing was good and that the other times I stopped myself, happened for a reason.  As cliché as it sounds, I am a big believer in fate.  I feel like everything that has happened to me has led me to Brooks.  It’s been a road of school, friendship, love, heartbreak, and failure.  Sure, I’m not going to lie by saying I haven’t thought of things that I’ve fucked up and wished I could go back, but when I start thinking like that I just have to remember that I am living my dream right now.  I am doing everything I can to make sure that my future is the best one I can possibly have.   

Overall this post was to just let the few people in my life know that if you have feelings for someone, let them know when you think it’s right.  Sure I had to get some encouragement from my friends because the whole concept was super scary.  I spent many a time making up excuses and reasons not to.  But when you’re ready, don’t hold back.  You wouldn’t want to miss out on something that could be and regret it forever.  Unrequited love hurts like hell, but it’s better to hurt for a few months rather than the rest of your life.  And who knows, the result is usually a happy resolution.  If nothing else, the person would be impressed that you can actually say how you feel about them, especially if you’re a girl.  Guys have this feeling like they have to be the ones to initiate.  But if the girl can say something first, I think it shows them a lot.  This has been another ones of those things in my life that I can look back on and say that even though I might not get a happy ending with this one, at least I tried and didn’t hide.  So, thank you to all who have supported me through the rants and indecisiveness.  :D  Without you guys, I probably wouldn’t have ever found the strength to get it all out there.  

Honesty

I recently read a post from a friend on her blog about 10 honest things about herself.  I decided to do the same.  Just 10 random, truthful things about myself.  :)

1. Writing things out always makes me feel so much better about the thing I can't say.  Sometimes it might be too personal, but it really does make me feel better.  I used to write myspace blogs all the time about the feelings and such.  I kept them so only my really close friends could read them and it was a good outlet for me to just write.

2. I will sing anywhere, anytime, but never in the shower.  XD

3. I believe that everything happens for a reason.  You might not understand the reasons why in short term, but in the long run, they usually lead to bigger and better things.

4. I also believe that if it's meant to be it will happen.  You might have to wait awhile, you might even get hurt, but I totally believe that it will all work out in the end.  Of course, you might have to take charge and make it happen, but sometimes that's what it takes to make it reality.

5. I've never had a brother, but I feel as if my Lodi guy friends are like my brothers.  I can make fun of them, laugh with them, and pretty much do nothing and still be entertained.  I talk about them a lot, and some people might mistake my talking about them so much as a crush, but the reality is, I feel like they are part of my family.  I don't know what I would do without them.  :)

6. I only have a few really close girl friends.  But I would do anything for them.  I hate being so spread out from all of them, but I try to keep in contact as much as possible.  The future holds so much for all of us.  Life is changing for us at rapid speed, and I can't wait to see what we will be like in 10 years.  We can go without ages seeing each other, but the minute we get together, it's like time hasn't passed.  Seeing us mature and live life is exciting.  I hope to have them in my life always.

7. Lyrics make or break a song for me.  I pay attention to them a lot.  I think it's because there are just some that I can instantly relate to because I know the feeling.  My current favorite songs tend to change with the feelings that I'm feeling and the lyrics that relate to them.


8. I constantly wonder about the future.  But at the same time, when someone asks where I see myself in 10 years, I have no clue what to say.

9. I never felt as intellectual as many of my family and friends.  All of our family friends and my close friends all went to school for things like science and engineering with top honors in school.  I was more the girl who sucked at math but loved to be creative or learning foreign languages.  Growing up like that I felt pressured by myself, even though my parents knew I wasn't going to be the next doctor.  XD  They didn't expect me to, but still, I felt like I wasn't as smart as my friends or family and disappointing the people who would buzz about me for going to a community college.  Even though I was happy with my choice, I still felt like I was disappointing people.  Thankfully I'm where I want to be now, and it might not lead me to finding a cure for cancer, or creating the latest invention to change mankind, but I am happy doing something that I know I will always be in love with.

10. I never really used to think of myself as pretty.  I grew up with crazy blown up hair, glasses, and bad acne.  Now, 8 years later, I have grown to love my full hair, have a cute pair of glasses, and have been getting my skin under much better control.  Low self-esteem was my enemy back when I was in grade school, but in the past 3 years, I have grown to appreciate and love the way I am.  :)

Finding Your Happiness

Finding something that you love to do is always incredibly rewarding.  It is something that you can turn to no matter what kind of mood you're in and make you feel happy.  For me, I have a lot of things that make my life.  Photography obviously is the thing I turn to.  I love seeing the happiness that my photographs can give people.  A lot of people hate getting their picture taken.  But if I can give them photographs that they love, it makes me feel accomplished and like I have done my job.  The satisfaction that comes with giving my gift to others to enjoy is simply amazing.

I have known Morgan for almost 7 years now.  He started just a few months before me at Sacramento's kendo dojo, so we were all kind of new together.  We've been friends ever since.  He is a self-taught guitar player and has been playing for about 4 years now.  Morgan's recorded some things already, but is constantly working on new songs.  His style is simply guitar (no singing) with a lot of fancy fret work.  He's currently working on a youtube channel, but for now here's a link to a performance from 3 years ago.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7h24MYm_pM

I went to visit this past weekend, and I asked if I could take some photos.  My style of portraits is to take ones of people doing the things they love to do.  I took the more natural approach since it's more his style, but the lighting was kind of strange, so I definitely want to try more some other time when I have better lighting.  I also didn't do too many pictures with his face in it, because most people don't like having pictures of themselves on a wall.  XD  I am saving posting my favorite pictures till later.  I want them to have impact when he sees them for the first time in person.  I promise I'll post them up here later if people are interested.  Maybe someday when he makes CD's I will be able to do his album art.  :)  I hope you enjoy these photos and look for Morgan in the future.  :D

Message From My Heart

(My friends and I took this picture one summer night.  We were lucky to have the lights randomly on in the bright, empty, white room.)  I sent this blog to Le Love.  Let's see what happens.  











We see it in movies, read it in books, hear about it in songs....love means different things to different people.  Sometimes I feel like I expect too much.  Everyone wants that fairytale ending and I can kind of blame that on growing up with things like Disney movies.  XD  I will be the first to admit that.  I hear it so many times in music.  Everyone can relate to songs that talk about unrequited love and proclaiming your love for someone.  Real life doesn't seem to be as romantic, but it takes a lot of courage for someone to say, "I care about you more than just a friend.  I want to be there for you no matter what."  Perhaps if I was to say something totally cliche and sweet, it would be, "I want to be the one who makes you smile."


It's rare that a movie teaches you a real fact about love, but it seems that Asians know how to do it well.  One of my all time favorite movies is a Japanese movie called, "Tada Kimi wo Aishiteru" (just loving you/heavenly forest)  and it teaches you the lesson to not wait to tell someone how you feel and expect the person to be there forever.  Take the chance and say what you need to say to get your feelings across.  Because wondering for the rest of your life is more agonizing than the brief rejection (if you're not so lucky to have the person reciprocate your feelings).  I've learned a lot in the past 5 years.  Life has been crazy and unpredictable.  Yet, as I am telling you to go for it, I myself can't get myself to say anything.  Why?  It's because I'm so worried about how it could change everything.  For bad or for good.  And also because I'm concerned that he just wouldn't care.  Like if I said anything, it wouldn't even phase him.  Though I suppose that would be better than forever ignoring me.  Then I would just have to pick myself up and brush it off.  aaah.  I go through these stages where I want to, and other times where I don't.  It's probably a little irritating to some.  Like "why have you been bitching about this for ages when you should just say it and get it over with!!!!!"  I can't explain.  This guy just always seems so stoic about girls.  I can never tell if he's ever been interested in a girl.  And I worry that if I tell him I just won't get any reaction from him.  I know that everyone says to just do it!  Take the chance and run with it.  Writing  what I should do is always so much easier than actually doing it.  I'm scared to take a chance, but I'm even more scared about never knowing how he felt over the course of these years.

I've been wrestling with this idea for a few years now.  It comes and goes, and I've been close to admitting it.  Am I simply a fool for waiting this long?  The more I wrestle with the idea, the more time I waste.  Now we live 300 miles away, both at school.  Everyone has ideas about long distance.  There are people it works for and people who say stay away.  I suppose it is up to me.  But I thought that writing about it one last time would really set my mind to doing it.  Waiting for love sometimes works.  But I think for my own happiness, I need to do this.  And if I get shot down, well, it's just something that will have to happen.

When I Grow Up

When I was a young girl... (what a cliche beginning.  XD)

Every person had dream jobs when they were growing up.  We change our minds so many times because we find something new and cool to get into.  I think that most women go through a stage where they want to be teachers.  I remember wanting to be a teacher at one point.  Then when I got older I realized that kids are brats!  haha.  At least the ones I was used to growing up with.  If I were to be a teacher, there would be no way that I would teach middle school.  I give credit to the teachers out there who do teach middle school.  Those kids are tough brats!  I would have classmates that would make my teacher cry almost 3x a week in my last year of middle school.



I used to dance when I was younger.  I always wanted to do pointe.  The ones that you see in movies with the pink shoes and standing on their toes.  Sure that would really mess up your feet and the bones in them, but I think those shoes are so beautiful and the poses that the girls can hold are amazing!  If there is one thing I wish I could do still, it would be pointe.  I miss dance.  I did it from 1st grade to 10th grade.  But then people in my studio towards the end were just getting too catty and mean for me, so that's when I decided to make the switch to full time kendoist (for those that are new, i posted about it here: http://shiseitenhikari.blogspot.com/2009/12/retrospective.html).  My sister still does it, and I hope someday to photograph her and make her feel beautiful.  :)

At some point in time I remember wanting to be a Disney animator. I grew up on Disney films and always found it so magical and perhaps a bit nostalgic when I watch them now.  My favorite were always the random, under appreciated ones like The Great Mouse Detective or Atlantis  (though I must point out in this picture....Anastasia is NOT a Disney movie!!).  I remember researching what it took to be an animator and was always drawing.  But then Disney announced that they were no longer going to be doing hand-drawn animation and thus, my dream ended.  I didn't want to do stuff on computers like everything is done nowadays.








Around the time I was in 4th grade to about 8th grade I wanted to be an astronomer.  I went through this giant phase where I was absolutely obsessed with the universe and how it worked.  I wanted to be a cosmologist, someone who studies the universe and how it works.  I was obsessed with the planets and stars, and I partly contribute it to my love of Star Wars and Sailor Moon.  hahahaha.  I know I'm a nerd.  =P  I loved pictures of nebulas and deep space and my goal at one point was to own a telescope.  My dad took me to the top of Mount Kilauea on the Big Island of Hawaii to go look at the observatory at the top!  It was a great adventure and since it was so high up, we had certain rules for eating before traveling up there.  But then I realized around high school that I'm terrible at math and my dreams of researching the stars died.  Now I just enjoy looking at them and knowing what I do know about them.

I've always wanted to learn Japanese.  I'm a fourth generation Japanese American, and have always had great pride in my heritage.  I set out to learn Japanese in high school no matter what and took it for all four years.  I loved it, but we had a mix up with teachers and my class never took Japanese seriously after that.  It was a struggle to learn in that class because we had a few different new teachers and less interest in the students.  I learned a little but what I did learn stayed with me.  In college I took Japanese 1-4 and found it much more work that high school.  I learned a lot of stuff, but we learned it so quickly, it never really stayed in our minds.  My goal was to go to San Francisco State University to major in Japanese and become a translator.  Unfortunately, I had some slip ups and ended up deciding against it.

In the end, I am now here at the Brook's Institute.  I started photography in high school during my junior year.  I feel in love with it and haven't looked back since.  I originally was thinking of art school, but my parents wanted me to get a degree in something else first before art school.  Then with a few years at a community college and a little persuasion, I'm down here in Santa Barbara living my dream  :)  I'm already halfway done with my 2nd session and time just keeps on racing by.  It's a crazy road that life has taken me down to get to where I am today.  Looking back on my childhood dreams I can see connections between the ideas.  Majority of the things I wanted to do growing up has to relate to connecting with people and being creative.  My ultimate goal is to become a successful photographer, live in Japan, and photographing the things I love most in the world.  I'm living the dream.  And enjoying life while I do it.  :D

Lights, Camera, Action

I've always had a thing for pretty lights, reflections, and shiny things.  Typical girl I know, but I love it.  haha.  So this last time I went to Disneyland, I decided to do fun things at night with slow shutter speeds and play with the amazing spectrum of lights at Disneyland.  Here are my favorites from that night.

can you see the light source?

There's little hearts in this one!  

Disneyland makes bank of selling stuff at night

Fireflies in Disneyland

Disneyland is full of amazing things

I love Disneyland

Teacup Whimzy

Can you guess what this is?

Flowers of Light

Electric

I finally have my own annual pass to Disneyland!  :D  So anytime anyone wants to go I would totally meet you down there.  ^_^  Disneyland truly is my happiest place on Earth.  It's where my childhood was.  It's where I have so many great memories with friends.  I still would like to go with a boyfriend someday.  Disney is such an important part of my life, if someone can't accept that, then how would it work?  =P  If you saw my house, you'd understand how much my family's love for Disney goes.  I love taking people to Disneyland who haven't been in awhile or who have never been, or who say they hate Disneyland.  People tell me that I'm the Disney insider, and I guess that's all thanks to my dad.  Back in 2007 I went with a guy who said he didn't like Disneyland because of his childhood experience.  I just told him, that's cause you haven't been with me yet!  haha.  Thankfully after that trip, he said he liked Disneyland.  :D  It makes me happy when I can help someone's experience be the same ones that I remember and enjoy.  For me, Disneyland really is the happiest place on Earth.  And it is somewhere that I hope to enjoy for as long as I'm around.  :)

The Perfect Kiss

Didn't want to post too many pictures in case you are wanting to see any REALLY good dramas!  Check out the earlier blog post about some of my favorites!

I noticed that in Japanese dramas, kisses are sparse and when they do happen they are much more subtle than ones we see in movies in America.  Maybe we've gotten so used to the passionate kissing in movies and shows that it doesn't really phase us.  But I think that in Japanese and Korean dramas, the passionate kiss is still something that they save for the end of the series.

Japanese dramas might not have the most amazing kiss scenes, but when they do happen, it's super sweet.  In Korean dramas, there is definitely more kissing, but each of them are just as sweet as the last.  One of my favorites is from the Boys Over Flowers (korean version) in Episode 9.  I found the video on youtube to share with those of you who have watched it.  :D 

For the big fans of Hana Yori Dango or Boys Over Flowers or Meteor Garden you 

MUST see this video.  It is no doubt in my mind the BEST fanvid I have EVER seen.  She chose "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson which perfectly personifies Tsukushi/Tsukasa or Jan Di/Jun Pyo's relationship (I haven't watched the Chinese version, cause I don't like Chinese dramas).  There might be a few spoilers, so you're warned when watching this, but I do suggest that you MUST watch this sometime in your life if you're a big Hana Yori Dango fan.  :)  

~This next section will be about my favorite one, so if you haven't seen Hana Yori Dango Final (the movie) stop here to not be spoiled!~

I noticed that in Hana Yori Dango, they kiss about once per season and each kiss is kinda just a cute peck that's held out a bit longer.  I had some of my non-asian friends watch it and they were complaining about how they rarely kiss even though they're supposed to be in love.  But of course, at the end of the Hana Yori Dango Final (movie) they have this nice tune by Arashi and at the swell of the song, Tsukushi and Tsukasa have this amazing kiss!  The way he pulled her in was just about the sweetest way to kiss someone.  :)  It makes me smile every time, because even though I know that these characters are just acting, it is still really sweet to see love between two people.

~End spoiler~

I'm such a sucker for a sweet kiss.  XD  A hopeless romantic who is still waiting for her kiss in the rain.  =P  Though if it was like the one from Boys Over Flowers like the one here, I wouldn't mind that either.  ^_~

The Happiest Place on Earth

My happiest place on Earth is definitely Disneyland.  The first time I went to Disneyland, I was 3 months old.  XD  My dad is part of this Disney group called NFFC (National Fantasy Fan Club) and we used to go to conventions a lot.  A lot of the artwork in my house are Disney cells from various movies and old collectables that my dad has found over the years.  I remember going to Disneyland a lot when I was growing up (at least 2-3x a year) and it is about a 6 hour drive from where my family lives.  Everyone in my classes knew me as the Disney girl and everyone looks to me to know the Disney trivia.  XD  Going to Disneyland now, makes me nostalgic and remember the fond memories I have of going with family and friends.  I used to hate roller coaster types, but now I am obsessed.  hahaha.  I think my favorite Disneyland ride is probably Indiana Jones.  Or perhaps Big Thunder Mountain.  I also REALLY like Haunted Mansion at Halloween till Christmas because it is Nightmare Before Christmas themed.  Some of my favorites growing up where Alice in Wonderland and the Submarine ride (now the sub ride is Nemo themed and is super cute!!).

I went over Super Bowl Sunday to Disneyland and shot my photo assignment there.  We had to do pans (where the subject is sharp, but the background blurry), blurs (the subject blurry, background sharp) and depth of field (having the background out of focus).

Pan shot/ can't you just feel the motion?

Blur shot/ teacup mayhem!

Selective Focus/ I LOVE the expression on the guy's face.  This is when he was flipping the girl during the parade.  :)

I also really like these things that are called "circles of confusion."  My teacher is really into them and likes to point them out every time he sees them.  =P

Lights look like this when you open the lens opening VERY wide and keep the back out of focus.  These look really cool right?  Here are a few other pictures that I really like the way they turned out.

A little bit of Disney magic.  :D  

Submarine view  ^_^

It might be a little hard to tell, but that's a girl there.  :)  this is while the teacup was spinning.

This was hard because the only light on her face was from the back of her camera.

The carousel spinning.  :)

Anytime I go to Disneyland I love taking pictures and trying to make the things in Disneyland look less recognizable.  Can anyone tell where this is (this was taken with film and printed in a darkroom)?  It's one of my favorite places to go in the world!  :)  Disneyland is a place that will always make me happy, and I hope that when I have kids, I will be able to give them amazing memories at this place too.  ^_^

a year of happiness :D

Man, 2009 went by in a flash.  Loved, lost, and learned to be happy through it all.  :)  The beginning of the year was a hard one.  But I made new friends and got to be more outgoing.  Summer '09 was one of the best I've had yet, and I became super close with my best guy friend over the course of the year.  ^_^  I've had to say goodbye to one of my best friends (her family moved out to Wisconsin) and hopefully we will see her again, and then another one of my best friends is now 6 months pregnant!  ah, that time in my life already?  XD

I made the executive decision to start my education at the Brook's Institute of Photography and will begin on January 8th.  For those who don't know what brooks is, it is a very famous photography school in beautiful Santa Barbara, CA.

 It's a 3 year, year-round program and by the end I will have a BFA.  :D  Not sure what my main focus will be (I wanna keep an open mind), but I love fashion photography and people photography (making them kinda artsy and all that stuff).  My parents used to want me to get a degree in Japanese (my first passion), but then I realize that to be a language major you should really start off at your four year, I decided I would continue to work on Japanese on my own (I've taken 6 years of Japanese).  I would love to live there for a year or so and just learn the language that way.  I know most of it, it's just the flow of it now.  Who knows what these next 3 years will bring me.  If all goes as planned I will be done Dec. 22, 2012.   :)  I'm ready to get out there and do stuff.  2 years at a junior college was good, and I got to be on nor-cal's team for the US Kendo championships in exchange and was able to feel confident with my kendo.  I will miss my friends from that the most.  And just the experience of being in it.  I hope to practice down in Santa Barbara someday and get back into it.

Since not many people know what it is, Kendo is a Japanese martial art that is sorta like fencing.  Except that it has MUCH more contact than the fencing that many people are used to seeing on TV.   You have headgear, a protective body armor and wrist guards.  You can hit an opponent at the head, wrist, body, (and for experienced players) the neck.  Your kiai (or yelling) is essential to scoring points also.  The idea is that you are making your opponent fear you by vocalizing.  haha.  I am told that my kiai is intimidating and I am usually very loud.  I like to help raise the spirits of my team mates when we have really hard and strenuous practices.  Here's a video of what a kendo match typically looks like.  These guys are the top of the world, so they're a different league, but it's the general idea.  haha.  Maybe someday I'll get a video of me on Youtube, but until then....




This is what I love to do.  I have been doing it since I started high school, which now would be...6 1/2 years now.  :)  I hope that you guys also have something that you're passionate about and love to still due today.  My life is about to take some crazy turns and I am hoping for the best.  :)  And I know most people will want to make resolutions like always, but I know that I won't go through with it.  I love my Dr. Pepper too much.  (I wish I could give up soda)  hahaha.  Good luck to you guys in your 2010 endeavors too.  :D

 "life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain."