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Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Message From My Heart part 2

It’s 3:00am and I can’t fall asleep.  So the first thought was perhaps I need to post a blog.  XD  My internet isn’t working either, so I’m typing this all in a word document until I get the chance to post it later.  (images taken from the wonderful world of lelove)

For those of you who have been reading here and have asked about it, I finally do not have to call myself a hypocrite.  I was finally able to convey my feelings after much anguish and slight pushing from some of my closest friends.  When I went back home, I talked about this never-ending battle with myself to let everything out.  And it only took me 6 hours one night.  The day of, they kept pushing me saying I can’t back out.  They kept telling me that I should stop running away and slowly hurting myself over stress and worry.  In short, after taking preventive measures from me avoiding the topic that night (I called a few friends that I knew would call me out on bitching out), I nervously admitted my feelings.  And let me tell you, people don’t lie when they tell you it makes you feel so much better.  Unfortunately for people who are hoping for a happy ending, it is much more bittersweet.  I got the answer I was expecting, but that was enough for me.  Timing is everything in a relationship, and sometimes just getting that timing is the hardest battle.  It felt great to hear that I was considered best friend material, and for me that was enough.  Sure a lot of people say that the phrase is the “nail in the coffin,” but I try to look at it that it’s a starting point.  If things can be that easy doesn’t that mean something?  I explained that for me just knowing that someone cares is enough.  If I can’t have an “official” boyfriend it would be okay.  Life is crazy at this point in time.  Thinking about such things isn’t always the best idea when you’re trying to figure out your own life and your own happiness.  I’m not saying that I am going to use him as an excuse not to try and find happiness, but at this point in my life, down here in Santa Barbara, another photography student is not something I’m looking for.  Especially with such a small school because in my past observations, it’s just asking for trouble.  (not saying that you can’t have a great experience!  Because I know at least 2 extremely happy couples here at Brooks.  :D)

After all those years, I realize that my timing was good and that the other times I stopped myself, happened for a reason.  As cliché as it sounds, I am a big believer in fate.  I feel like everything that has happened to me has led me to Brooks.  It’s been a road of school, friendship, love, heartbreak, and failure.  Sure, I’m not going to lie by saying I haven’t thought of things that I’ve fucked up and wished I could go back, but when I start thinking like that I just have to remember that I am living my dream right now.  I am doing everything I can to make sure that my future is the best one I can possibly have.   

Overall this post was to just let the few people in my life know that if you have feelings for someone, let them know when you think it’s right.  Sure I had to get some encouragement from my friends because the whole concept was super scary.  I spent many a time making up excuses and reasons not to.  But when you’re ready, don’t hold back.  You wouldn’t want to miss out on something that could be and regret it forever.  Unrequited love hurts like hell, but it’s better to hurt for a few months rather than the rest of your life.  And who knows, the result is usually a happy resolution.  If nothing else, the person would be impressed that you can actually say how you feel about them, especially if you’re a girl.  Guys have this feeling like they have to be the ones to initiate.  But if the girl can say something first, I think it shows them a lot.  This has been another ones of those things in my life that I can look back on and say that even though I might not get a happy ending with this one, at least I tried and didn’t hide.  So, thank you to all who have supported me through the rants and indecisiveness.  :D  Without you guys, I probably wouldn’t have ever found the strength to get it all out there.