Getting Personal

So, I usually don't post things like this on public sites, but I realized that blogger sites are not searchable in google, and I'm sure that people who read this aren't going to be super random.  So back in about May I dated this guy that I had been friends with for the past 2 years.  We met in Japanese class and had known each other by name and face in high school, but since we only knew eachother we became good friends.  He had a steady girlfriend and at some point I liked him, but I did not want to pursue anything.  After breakups and all that stuff, we decided to go out.  And I have to say I was really into it.  But througout the time, he would say stuff like he didn't have that "first week excitement" or he'd hang out with another people and not ask me to come.  But about the 2nd month, I felt love.  And it seemed mutual..but when school started, I guess it just kinda died off for him cause he broke up with me.  It was only a four month relationship, but I really did think something came from it.

Then....I started to notice that he was getting pretty close to my friend.  This girl I had just gotten to be good friends with this year...so I guess you could say she didn't have any close bond or anything.  So for about a month now they have been going out.  The funny thing was, he told me that he liked being single.  He wanted to be "free" as he so well put it.  And as for my friend....well I really just want her to be happy.  But at the same time, I just can't help but feel hurt.  Maybe she doesn't think of us as close friends....or else I think that she wouldn't have started to going out with him.  His favorite phrase was "you can't help your feelings."  But I think that really, that translates to "I can do whatever the hell I want.  Screw your feelings in the process."  So in the end, I wish I had never gone out with him.  And perhaps we were just going on our old feelings for each other and not really thinking through it.  I regret ever being with him, and it also sucks cause I lost 2 friends.  Both of them don't really talked to me and they probably feel awkward.  I don't want to lose my friendship with my friend Jessica.  He's just not worth it.  But I feel like she doesn't want my friendship unless she has to interact with me.  I think they both feel guilty.  My friend told me, "if it doesn't work out, then she will have lost time to have friendship with you.  It's your friendship that she's missing out on."  And I guess it makes me feel a little better, but I still want to be there for her if she needs me.  In this situation most girls would be mad at the friend for doing that, but....she deserves happiness too.  And in the end, if she makes her cry...my friend and I will definitely be paying a visit to him.

Someday I will find happiness with someone.  But I need to see my dreams come true for my future.  I'm focusing on going to Brooks and finally being satisfied with my education.  I am ready to go without anyone or anything holding me back.  I can't wait to see what the future holds.