Message From My Heart

(My friends and I took this picture one summer night.  We were lucky to have the lights randomly on in the bright, empty, white room.)  I sent this blog to Le Love.  Let's see what happens.  











We see it in movies, read it in books, hear about it in songs....love means different things to different people.  Sometimes I feel like I expect too much.  Everyone wants that fairytale ending and I can kind of blame that on growing up with things like Disney movies.  XD  I will be the first to admit that.  I hear it so many times in music.  Everyone can relate to songs that talk about unrequited love and proclaiming your love for someone.  Real life doesn't seem to be as romantic, but it takes a lot of courage for someone to say, "I care about you more than just a friend.  I want to be there for you no matter what."  Perhaps if I was to say something totally cliche and sweet, it would be, "I want to be the one who makes you smile."


It's rare that a movie teaches you a real fact about love, but it seems that Asians know how to do it well.  One of my all time favorite movies is a Japanese movie called, "Tada Kimi wo Aishiteru" (just loving you/heavenly forest)  and it teaches you the lesson to not wait to tell someone how you feel and expect the person to be there forever.  Take the chance and say what you need to say to get your feelings across.  Because wondering for the rest of your life is more agonizing than the brief rejection (if you're not so lucky to have the person reciprocate your feelings).  I've learned a lot in the past 5 years.  Life has been crazy and unpredictable.  Yet, as I am telling you to go for it, I myself can't get myself to say anything.  Why?  It's because I'm so worried about how it could change everything.  For bad or for good.  And also because I'm concerned that he just wouldn't care.  Like if I said anything, it wouldn't even phase him.  Though I suppose that would be better than forever ignoring me.  Then I would just have to pick myself up and brush it off.  aaah.  I go through these stages where I want to, and other times where I don't.  It's probably a little irritating to some.  Like "why have you been bitching about this for ages when you should just say it and get it over with!!!!!"  I can't explain.  This guy just always seems so stoic about girls.  I can never tell if he's ever been interested in a girl.  And I worry that if I tell him I just won't get any reaction from him.  I know that everyone says to just do it!  Take the chance and run with it.  Writing  what I should do is always so much easier than actually doing it.  I'm scared to take a chance, but I'm even more scared about never knowing how he felt over the course of these years.

I've been wrestling with this idea for a few years now.  It comes and goes, and I've been close to admitting it.  Am I simply a fool for waiting this long?  The more I wrestle with the idea, the more time I waste.  Now we live 300 miles away, both at school.  Everyone has ideas about long distance.  There are people it works for and people who say stay away.  I suppose it is up to me.  But I thought that writing about it one last time would really set my mind to doing it.  Waiting for love sometimes works.  But I think for my own happiness, I need to do this.  And if I get shot down, well, it's just something that will have to happen.