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Friday, April 2, 2010

Message From My Heart

(My friends and I took this picture one summer night.  We were lucky to have the lights randomly on in the bright, empty, white room.)  I sent this blog to Le Love.  Let's see what happens.  

We see it in movies, read it in books, hear about it in means different things to different people.  Sometimes I feel like I expect too much.  Everyone wants that fairytale ending and I can kind of blame that on growing up with things like Disney movies.  XD  I will be the first to admit that.  I hear it so many times in music.  Everyone can relate to songs that talk about unrequited love and proclaiming your love for someone.  Real life doesn't seem to be as romantic, but it takes a lot of courage for someone to say, "I care about you more than just a friend.  I want to be there for you no matter what."  Perhaps if I was to say something totally cliche and sweet, it would be, "I want to be the one who makes you smile."

It's rare that a movie teaches you a real fact about love, but it seems that Asians know how to do it well.  One of my all time favorite movies is a Japanese movie called, "Tada Kimi wo Aishiteru" (just loving you/heavenly forest)  and it teaches you the lesson to not wait to tell someone how you feel and expect the person to be there forever.  Take the chance and say what you need to say to get your feelings across.  Because wondering for the rest of your life is more agonizing than the brief rejection (if you're not so lucky to have the person reciprocate your feelings).  I've learned a lot in the past 5 years.  Life has been crazy and unpredictable.  Yet, as I am telling you to go for it, I myself can't get myself to say anything.  Why?  It's because I'm so worried about how it could change everything.  For bad or for good.  And also because I'm concerned that he just wouldn't care.  Like if I said anything, it wouldn't even phase him.  Though I suppose that would be better than forever ignoring me.  Then I would just have to pick myself up and brush it off.  aaah.  I go through these stages where I want to, and other times where I don't.  It's probably a little irritating to some.  Like "why have you been bitching about this for ages when you should just say it and get it over with!!!!!"  I can't explain.  This guy just always seems so stoic about girls.  I can never tell if he's ever been interested in a girl.  And I worry that if I tell him I just won't get any reaction from him.  I know that everyone says to just do it!  Take the chance and run with it.  Writing  what I should do is always so much easier than actually doing it.  I'm scared to take a chance, but I'm even more scared about never knowing how he felt over the course of these years.

I've been wrestling with this idea for a few years now.  It comes and goes, and I've been close to admitting it.  Am I simply a fool for waiting this long?  The more I wrestle with the idea, the more time I waste.  Now we live 300 miles away, both at school.  Everyone has ideas about long distance.  There are people it works for and people who say stay away.  I suppose it is up to me.  But I thought that writing about it one last time would really set my mind to doing it.  Waiting for love sometimes works.  But I think for my own happiness, I need to do this.  And if I get shot down, well, it's just something that will have to happen.


izumi said...

gosh.. i lived by that idea too. it sucks NOT telling someone but then it equally sucks when they're not interested in you. believe me, that was the story of my LIFE.. first boyfriend ever was some guy who was crazy for ME and i was like.. well, okay. i like him. hahaha. but yea! EQUALLY sucks thinking "well, what if i do tell him and he says no" or.. whatever. or even the thinking that it'll be TOO LATE to tell him. sucks sucks sucks.

i guess.. just go for it? haha. who knows! it depends on the situation really :(

Ursula Brown said...

Lauren!!!! I <3 you! Did you know that?!?!?!? I bet you did! Especially because we've been through so many stressful situations together. TOADY WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!1!!!!! =D I love hanging out with you guys. Oh yeah, but about this boy. He needs to get a clue, cause your like THE MOST AWESOME PERSON EVER!!! and if he doesn't know that, then he's a crazy fool. ;) I can't wait to get my CD from Kris, so we can have some new jams, and me and Jeiroh will listen to it the whole way home. I love being your roomate, and I can't wait until wer'e roomates, because we can be as loud as we want, and have dance parties, and we can have bunkbeds, and we'll have so much more room to do ACTIVITIES!!!!!!! =D.
I hate Niki Manaj, yea please excuse her. I'm in a GT cruiser, yeah and you in a PT cruiser. I don't know if those are the right lyrics, but I STILL <3 YOU ANYWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lauren. I'm having so much fun right now, and I'm sorry if this comment seems meaningless to you, but it means alot to me, because it's kind of like our lives together all wrapped up in a cute little comment. Like if it was a cute little sushi roll full of JOY!!! I hope I'm not annoying you, and I hope you can accept me when I'm like this. and just remember what i sad. if he can't see how much your willing to give to him, then he's not even worth your time. I would know, because we're the three best friends that anyone could have. We're the three best friends that anyone could have. We're the three best friends that anyone could have, and we'll never ever ever ever ever leave each other!!!!!! =D. I'm having so much fun just typing now. It's like I'm not even typing anything, but the feeling of my hands moving so fast is so cool, and I love how long this comment is. I feel really intellectual right now, like I'm comming up with all these amazing things to say in this comment. Especially the sushi thing, but it will probably seem TOTALLY AND COMPLETLY stupid tomorrow. I don't even know if I'm spelling these things right. I feel like i could stay up forever. Im gonna stop now, because I'm just going off about stupid bullshit that I shouldn't be, because it's stupid. I'm so excited, but I dont know what for. I hope you still love me after this long ass pointless comment. But the part about how he should treat you isn't pointless. And remember if i said anything mean then ITS NOT TURE!!!!! Love you! <3

goodnight. <3