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Friday, February 25, 2011

Day 7

Day 07- A picture of something/someone who has had the biggest impact on you

EDIT: okay, so I guess I'm just all talk.  XD  I feel progress and I just can't let go.  My mind won't let it go, and I just can't.  I still learned from this class and the people in it.  I will not forget what I learned, but I'm not able to let go just yet.  It's too important to me still.  :)

Well...this one is a challenge.  I could do my first love...I could do my first heartbreak (different from my first love person)...I could do the story of a boyfriend punk who dumped me for one of my friends after introducing them...I could do my ex-best friend story....there are so many things in my life that have taught me so much about people and myself that I have a lot of people to thank where I am today.  I know that sounds incredibly and ridiculously cheesy, but it's true.  And thinking about it..they probably could all tie together.  XD  At the same time, I do have amazing friends and family who helped to get me to the spot I'm at today.  So I think I will talk about the most recent growth in my life and the biggest change I have come across so far.
This is a picture of my psychology class from this past session.  There was a field trip we all went on where we sat around a campfire on the beach and just talked.  We were supposed to talk about the things we wouldn't be able to talk about in a classroom.  I took my guitar with me and told them the story of a boy I was into for a year.  I told them that I had confessed to him over the summer, but still was not getting any sort of response.  I used to say "as long as I know that he cares I could be happy."  I used to think that I would be able to live with things the way they are.  I told them that I wanted to send him a recording of a song I had learned for Valentine's day and ask him if he had any sort of thoughts of an "us" or if he just wanted me to leave him alone.  I played/sang the song, and I was so nervous that my voice was shaky and I could barely form the chords.  At the end, everyone thought it was cute and one person said, "it was perfectly imperfect."  Everyone supported me and thought what I did was a very brave thing.  I had some input from them and a lot of "well, it sounds like the guy just isn't good enough for you."  A lot of people that knew the story had told me similar things.  Things like, "if you have told him and obviously have so much to give, then him not taking it is dumb on his part."  I posted a video to all on Valentine's Day and got a very positive response.  But I did not get any kind of response from him.  Not even a "good job with the video!"  or "I can tell you practiced hard!" Another final straw was when he refused to talk about even his theory on love.  To me it was the sign that he is definitely not ready.  This, and an amazing week previously gave me a COMPLETELY different outlook on my feelings and how I valued myself.  I realize that I do have a lot of love to give, and someone who can't think about relationships now is just not ready for me.  I finally had to become honest with myself and realize that I am worth so much more than I give myself credit for.  There are people out there who want to put the effort in with me.  And I have to realize that my time will come.  

It was last week that I realized that I had completely changed.  I am slowly letting go.  My heart and mind are clear.  Finally, after a year, I can focus completely on me.  And maybe someday if he changes his mind maybe something will happen.  But for now, I am just focusing on me and becoming the best photographer I can be.  So I want to thank my psychology class and my teacher for helping nudge me in the right direction of being positive about myself.  I didn't realize that by not getting the recognition of my feelings or efforts it was making my self-confidence lower more and more.  When you try and put your feelings and hard work, and someone just ignores all of it, you start to feel like, "what am I doing wrong that someone can't like me?"  It doesn't have to be just a love interest.  It can be friendship too.  

I have no hard feelings towards him.  I want that much to remain clear.  It's more like a self-realization with myself that there's no use in trying to share those kinds of feelings with someone who doesn't want them.  My happiness right now is that I came to such a huge realization.  I am incredibly happy for this session and all the people and events that helped me to come to this ending.  Thank you all.