Day 13

Day 13- Write a letter to someone telling them something you could never tell.

Hmm this one seems really personal.  But I guess since it's unnamed it will be okay.  I've been pondering who to write to since I read the challenge those 7 months ago...but I guess I will finally make a decision.  Here it goes...

Dear Person,

It is always so difficult talking to you about the past.  We have never brought it up since then.  I think we both realized that what's the point in talking it out?  But I finally have to admit to myself and to you all the things that I have thought about.  When we first started dating, it was the first time I really knew someone on my own without the influence of others.  We had one class together and we hit it off really well.  Maybe you were flirting with me the whole time, but at the age I was, I barely knew how to tell if someone was into me.  I wasn't used to the feeling.  It was great getting to know you and I introduced you to a whole new world of music.  I remember when I started having feelings for you.  And then suddenly, someone from my past came into my life again and wanted to date me.  I was confused and could tell you were disappointed when you found out.  I myself didn't really know what I wanted.  And then he abruptly ended it.  For no real reason...but I was relieved.  I thought that you might not want to approach me after that, but you did.  We realized that we both liked each other a lot.  We started dating and I completely changed.  You gave me confidence in myself and for once I had a real boyfriend.  Sure we only talked on the phone and went out on a couple dates, but it was more real than anything I had ever had.  And yes, you are my first love.  You might not think so because it was such a short relationship, but I really fell hard for you.  Now here comes the hard part.  The part where I have to admit to myself and to you why I ended it.

Back then I felt I had really good friends.  I was particularly close with one of my friends and valued her opinion.  Towards the end of the short relationship she made it sound like she didn't like our relationship.  Looking back on it now, I think she was manipulating me even then.  She probably knew how much I valued her opinion, and used that to her advantage to mess with my head and heart.  I can look back on it now and realize what was happening.  But, no more excuses.  I questioned myself and wondered if it was possible for me to be that happy.  I was scared.  I ended our relationship.  I broke your heart (maybe it was not as extreme as I'm making it out to be).  You wanted me back, but I was too scared to let you back in when you still wanted me.  I regretted my decision for awhile.  I knew it wasn't possible for us anymore but I always wondered what kind of person I would have turned out to be had I stayed with you for longer.  

I didn't see you for awhile.  Then we met up again.  And we went back to being how we were when we first met.  It's wonderful to be such a good friend of yours, even though I did a terrible and stupid thing.  But it seriously was a growing experience.  It gave me the knowledge to never let someone's opinion of your happiness get in the way.  I'm so glad that you can call me a friend, and I want you to know that I'm truly sorry for back then.  I know it probably doesn't mean much, but know that scared and confused, 16 year old me really did love our relationship.  I don't regret dating you and I am so glad to have you in my life as we are now.  Thank you for teaching me about what love could be and giving me a magical first love experience.  I might not be your first love, but I'm okay with that.  I'm so glad you can call me your friend and I hope to be a part of your life for a very long time to come.  Thank you for always being there for me.  :)  

Sincerely, 

ちえみ